Clothes Whore

I got to go clothes shopping yesterday, and for once in the past, oh ten years or so, the cost wasn't a (huge) issue. I got some loverly jeans- pretty, heavy goth style jeans, chains, zips, and snappy buttons! Five pair in different styles. I totally treated myself with them. I also got some new ankleboots, and one t-shirt. I was going to get a couple of piercings, but my piercer was off sick, so I have to wait. Either way, I really enjoyed it.

Now all I need to do is get myself some new underwear. This is far easier said than done. Don't give me soft pastels, lace, mesh, or string. I don't want patterns of happy buttons, flowers, kittens, or sex appeal. Just give me something comfortable, practical, and affordable.

But finding underwear- not panties, thongs, or g-strings- that fit my requirements is like pulling blood from stone. It does my head in and I usually leave the shopping area in frustration only to come home to my old, worn-out, worn-in "underthings".

Looking online isn't much better because of all the spam, lack of description and pictures, or outrageous prices. £15 for one pair of boyshorts? I don't think so, you can suck it.

Anyway, with my dear friend eBay, I have bought some new boyshorts and some boxers. Luck with me, they'll arrive quickly.

Ah, I know what else I wanted to do. I wanted to hunt some stuff for creating a shrine for Aten/Ra. Back to eBay I go!

Senebty.

Blog Test

I'm writing this from my xda and want to make sure it works correctly.

I was about 10 minutes late this morning because Mike was running late but he picked me up eventually. I also got my vodka. Yay.

Nothing of note to say. Lunching now, and I can't wait to go home.

Senebty

Sigh

My stomach hurts for some reason.

I just bought myself an awesome looking black leather custom made watch. Hopefully it won't take too long to arrive.

I haven't felt much motivation lately, but I am managing to get through the day to day tedium at least. I got paid more than I was expecting, and now I am thinking more about the piercings I'd like to have. Maybe I can be moved to do that this weekend.

Anyway, I haven't got much else to talk about without falling into a tirade of whinging and complaining so I should just go to bed.

It's amazing how six hours- hardly any time at all- can so easily affect my mood so negatively.

Caution: May Cause Drowsiness

I want something that says "warning: will cause drowsiness."

It might solve some of my problems.

Nothing of note today really except I've been acting a bit like an asshole. I feel too exhausted to truly worry about it right now though.

The animals are fed, even if I'm not. I'm going to bed.

Senebty.

Testing E-mail Post

Just testing the post by e-mail function.

Still not feelin' it

I saw a doctor this morning and got a new dose of anti-depressants, so I can start taking them again. I also got some prescription anti-inflammatories, and some more OTC pain reliever. And chocolate too, we all need that little boost from the chocolatey goodness.

Anyway, it's gotten cold out again, and a bit windy. Not very comfortable walking through. I really hate the cold and wind.

I don't have much to say today.

I took a photo, and messed with it a bit in photoshop. I like how it came out, so I'm uploading it. Woo.

Senebty.

Strength

It's hard being strong when I feel so weak. My constant knee pain is wearing me down, and that makes it difficult to focus on anything else. My depression makes me lose whatever minute amount of self-confidence I have, and then it all begins to spiral down out of control to the point that I want nothing more than to lay in bed for the rest of the day. It's a fight, always a fight, and looking for the brighter side is almost pointless, because I am convinced there is no brighter side.

I have never been religious because any time I began to look, the moment something good happened, twenty bad things happened right after and destroyed what little budding belief I was cultivating. I ended up abandoning that growing belief and walking alone for another year.

That image reminds me though of a picture I had hanging in my room. It was based on a Chistian story of a man walking along the beach and noticing two sets of footprints, but at the hardest points of his life, there was only one. His question to the man beside him was "Why did you let me walk alone during those times?" and the answer was "There is only one set of footprints during those times because that is when I carried you."

I wasn't and have never been Christian but the sentiment of it stuck with me, and I bought it anyway. I wanted that feeling of not being alone, but I rarely ever felt it. Even in a crowded room I felt alone. I could be sitting in a circle of family and friends, and I would still feel alone, distanced, and secluded. It's an ongoing theme in my life, it seems.

Now I don't feel strong at all. Not physically, emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually. I feel weak and broken. I feel worn down and worn out.

I still get out of bed in the morning though, so I suppose that is something. It isn't strength though, I know that, because I haven't had any strength for so long, I doubt I could recognise it now.

To bring this babbling to a close, I have begin my tiny shrine. It has a statue of Yinepu on it, and I feel strongly urged to buy a pretty Yinepu/jackal oil burner I found on ebay. I am merely waiting for money to be able to do so.

I also had an odd occurrence with my incense last night. After lighting the stick, there appeared to be a trail of smoke following along the length of the wooden part while I was holding it. It was very odd, and it stopped when I put my fingers over the end of the wooden bit of the stick. I'm baffled by this. I have no idea why it would happen.

Lunch calls my name now though.

Senebty.

Endurance?

I can no longer walk up or down the stairs like a normal person. I took one steps down and had to stop because it was so painful. I literally sat on the stairs and scooted down one step at a time, supporting myself with my hands and my right leg. If I put any weight at all on my left, my knee started screaming at me. Walking over level surfaces seemed to be ok though. It still hurt, yes, but not that screaming, piercing "I hate you" hurt. Just an ache.

Coming back up the stairs again? I had to nearly crawl, holding onto the rail to help pull myself up, along with putting a hand on the risers above and putting as much weight as possible on my arms and off of my left leg. My appointment on Friday cannot possible come fast enough. I need prescription pain medication and a solution. I don't think I care what it is at this point, I just need something so I can function like a normal human. If it means a cane and cutting down my hours at work, then there's no other solution and that's what I have to do. I know work will want me to just "suck it up and deal" but I can't. I just can't. Over the counter pain medication isn't touching it at all. My store manager is in tomorrow, I'll ask him if we can work something out.

On another note, I think that "t" ending in Akhenatet is meant to differentiate me from Akhenaten. It's a feeling I suppose. Aten is genderless so these is no true need for a feminised form, but I am not and don't want anyone to think I am associated with Akhenaten. Maybe it was preemptive?

If I finish the beginners class, I will become Remetj, and at that point I can be named, and perhaps move on to being a full Shemsu. I know that Akhenatet is only a temporary name for now, and the idea of being named properly is exciting. But it is also some time down the road, so I don't want to dwell on that. First thing first, and that is acceptance into the beginner class.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I bagged some of the left over junk in the backyard left by the previous tenants. I let Jack out as I was hanging laundry, then I had a nap. I don't feel any more rested, it was just something to pass the time, that's all. I am hungry now, but haven't decided what to eat. Plus, that requires going down the stairs again which is turning into... an ordeal.

I miss talking to Laura and I feel so out of place and bored and lost when I can't talk to her. I don't want to dwell on that either though because it'll just make me feel worse.

I am trying to find a bright side, really I am.

Senebty.

Kemetic Orthodox Application

I have sent in my application for the Kemetic Orthodox beginners class, and now will be waiting to hear if I make it into the upcoming class in a couple of weeks, or if I will need to wait for the following one.

There is some nervousness about the whole thing, but I feel more comfortable than I expected. Everyone on the forums is very nice, and full of information.

I do need to do some reading on Aten, and will do so today.

I am not looking forward to work tomorrow with the amount of knee pain I have had since Thursday. It just seems to be getting worse. I will see a doctor on Friday though and hopefully I can get some stronger pain killers there.

I think this is sufficient for my first post, so I think I will go look for some food.

Senebty.