Strength

It's hard being strong when I feel so weak. My constant knee pain is wearing me down, and that makes it difficult to focus on anything else. My depression makes me lose whatever minute amount of self-confidence I have, and then it all begins to spiral down out of control to the point that I want nothing more than to lay in bed for the rest of the day. It's a fight, always a fight, and looking for the brighter side is almost pointless, because I am convinced there is no brighter side.

I have never been religious because any time I began to look, the moment something good happened, twenty bad things happened right after and destroyed what little budding belief I was cultivating. I ended up abandoning that growing belief and walking alone for another year.

That image reminds me though of a picture I had hanging in my room. It was based on a Chistian story of a man walking along the beach and noticing two sets of footprints, but at the hardest points of his life, there was only one. His question to the man beside him was "Why did you let me walk alone during those times?" and the answer was "There is only one set of footprints during those times because that is when I carried you."

I wasn't and have never been Christian but the sentiment of it stuck with me, and I bought it anyway. I wanted that feeling of not being alone, but I rarely ever felt it. Even in a crowded room I felt alone. I could be sitting in a circle of family and friends, and I would still feel alone, distanced, and secluded. It's an ongoing theme in my life, it seems.

Now I don't feel strong at all. Not physically, emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually. I feel weak and broken. I feel worn down and worn out.

I still get out of bed in the morning though, so I suppose that is something. It isn't strength though, I know that, because I haven't had any strength for so long, I doubt I could recognise it now.

To bring this babbling to a close, I have begin my tiny shrine. It has a statue of Yinepu on it, and I feel strongly urged to buy a pretty Yinepu/jackal oil burner I found on ebay. I am merely waiting for money to be able to do so.

I also had an odd occurrence with my incense last night. After lighting the stick, there appeared to be a trail of smoke following along the length of the wooden part while I was holding it. It was very odd, and it stopped when I put my fingers over the end of the wooden bit of the stick. I'm baffled by this. I have no idea why it would happen.

Lunch calls my name now though.

Senebty.